Unconditional Love?

Good morning, Matt here. Its 4am, but that's okay, I can write this quickly.

So my question will be stated in this blog and its to everybody out there in the world, okay? So, I'm curious. Have you ever fallen in love, started a relationship, broke up, got back together, broke up again, got back together a second again, and broke up a third time... and then a few months pass and you're back together again, but this time, forever, no matter what? I mean, has something like that ever happened to you? Where the two of you are so in love that your break-ups are just short times apart from each other. Almost like a little break... But you always get back together because you're that in love?

Let me tell you. Its happened to me and it is happening. Some would say its an unhealthy relationship, but... if you really think about it, I mean, really read through the lines, it could be strong in an unimaginable way. What do I mean exactly?

I'll tell you what I mean. I mean that being apart makes you miss that person, right? The same thing happens during on-going relationships, especially if you're a teenager or young adult and you're just dating. You talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend, you're both happy. The next day, say you have to go out of town for the day or you leave your phone off or you're going shopping and decide to technically cut off contact with your girl/boyfriend. Yes, your partner might think you're being rude, but in fact, it makes them miss you and vice versa. If you two never miss each other and you're always around each other, you're gonna get bored. Even married people do this sometimes.

So, moving on from that, now that you -hopefully- understand what I'm talking about. So what's my situation? I've mentioned Kris before, right? If not, I'll tell you how things happened.

Only July 1, 2011, Kris and I met on a chatting site typically for people aged 13 - 19 [but there are some older than that]. We talked for hours and became very acquainted. It was an instant click. On July 2, around midnight or so, Kris asked me out. I was shocked because no one had asked me out before, except my friend Brent back when I was eleven years old, which was too young... So I accepted immediately. Bad idea? Not in the least! We became amazing friends, and we got closer and closer, knowing everything about each other. One day, around the end of September, he tried to commit suicide. I could've literally fallen and passed out, I was so tired, but I stayed up for four hours, convincing him to stay alive. It worked entirely after a few weeks of this. Now he doesn't ever consider suicide. What I'm trying to get to, though... He moved here. We were physically together and it was really amazing. By the way, he broke up with me about two weeks before he moved here. We got back together, he moved here, we were together and I loved openly going out with my boyfriend as a guy myself.

Everything was going fine; really fine, actually. On November 2, 2011, he knelt down before me and proposed. I accepted, but our plan for legit marriage wouldn't have happened for another three years. We were both fine with that. However, no more than a month later, he had claimed he felt distant and didn't want to come over anymore and one night, he claimed the "love left him". That night he left, he sat in a different seat in the vehicle away from me but he kissed me twice as hard as possible. Little did I know that that would be the last kiss I got from him.

Kris broke up with me the next evening. I was devastated. I cried and cried and wanted to kill myself.

I started overdosing, and cutting myself really deeply. Deep enough that my arm was dripping with blood. The deepest I've cut has left a very big scar on my forearm and its still extremely visible. Oh, and also, around his time of suicidal-attempts, I carved his name into my arm. Sounds nasty, but... It shows that I would take pain, I would take the suffering... for him. I would do anything for him.

Anyway... months passed. I felt better with time. I was okay. At one point he asked me out and I reluctantly accepted. Yes, reluctantly. I broke up him a week later, feeling like I didn't love him, but that was because my love was still tied to him so much and my depression had destroyed me. I was an emotionless freak for awhile... but then I realized. I realized when my jealousy started up again. That the only person that I do, and have ever loved... was and is Kris.

He was with some new guy [after he'd dated a girl and another guy after me]. We were getting closer and closer, but... an argument occurred and he deleted and blocked me. [He moved an hour away, by the way.]
I... I had a mild heart attack that night. Yes. I'm fifteen... and I had a heart attack because of that. It put me into so much shock, and sadness, and I was terrified. Terrified I'd never again see the face, or hear the voice, or talk to the one I loved more than anything else in the world for eternity. But I waited. The next few days, I had cried maybe once or twice, but I felt like he'd come back.

One night, I was outback at night waiting to go to Tim Hortons to buy my mom coffee. I sat on the sidewalk leading from my house across the grass to the van in the gravel driveway. I laid down and stared up at the sky. Suddenly, something flew past. It looked like a shooting star. I sat up, and I made a wish. I wished that Kris would come back and he would realize how much I love him and we would get together again forever. Seconds later, the star vanished and a huge gust of wind blew past me.

Needless to say.. Kris came back the next day. Around a week later, now... we're back together. A final time. Why do I say final? Because I'm confident it'll last. It feels really really right this time. He told me -excuse the language- he didn't give a fuck anymore, he didn't care what happened, he didn't care if he felt like he fell out of love because he could never stop loving me no matter how hard he's tried... that I was his. Forever. No matter what. You know when you're told that, you feel excited but then it kind of drifts the next day and you soon break up? But do you also know the feeling like you're truly being told the truth and that its really right...? That's what I felt when he told me that. I feel like we'll forever be together no matter what happens.

So, put it this way. Being apart hasn't made us distant -maybe physically / distant-wise, but... not in our hearts-, it made us closer. And stronger. I was strong as a child, but around the age of 13, I was diagnosed with severe depression. It started getting worse and worse. Around 5 months ago, I managed to get rid of my depression. Yes, I got rid of it without doctors help. Anyway- I'm stronger than I have ever been before. I can withstand many things. Yes, there are times in which I may break down. But I am strong. I am... I'm a warrior.

So just think of that. Think of that about your relationships. And think about unconditional love. And... let me know. Have you had a similar situation? Where you've broken up a few times but gotten back together forever? I know there are people out there who have, and who are now happily married, which is amazing.

Now, before I go... Do yourself a favour. Its 5am, now. Wherever you are in the world... Go to your lover, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever... Give them a big hug, and kiss them tenderly. Hold their hand to your heart, and tell them this: "You will always have a place right here, no matter what."

Trust me.

It's an amazing thing to say. It can even be more amazing to say than "I love you". Just tell them that. :)

Have a beautiful day and if its night for you, have a good night and sweet dreams.

I love you all!


~Matt