Hello!
So, welcome to my new blog. :)
I previously owned the account [still do] at kiana7yaoi@gmail.com. I believe the blog was titled something similar to Matt's Thoughtz or Lumi's Thoughtz. It used to be Kiana's Thoughtz.
So if you knew me there, you now know me here. :)
I haven't blogged for quite awhile... Over 8 months, in fact [just a guess]. I'd like to get back into it, so hopefully this new account inspires me to do so.
If you don't know me [previously] and I'm a new blogger/person to you [I'm not a new blogger, though..] then keep reading! There's just some information and facts about me.
So let's get started, shall we?
So I'm a transsexual ftm [female-to-male]. I've always considered myself a tomboy until I discovered [around 8 months ago] that I'm not a tomboy, but a transsexual. A transsexua is someone who feels as though they have been born into the wrong gender's body. So in my case, I'm a guy but I was born into a girl's body. "Well, how bad is that?", right?
Trust me. Its bad. Bad as in- Annoying, obnoxious, frustrating and depressing. To know you're a guy whose stuck in a female's body is quite disruptive of my daily life and it affects me every day. The way I now dress and because my hair is short and actually, my body is changing naturally to a more masculine appearance, a lot people think I'm a guy, because I am one.
But those who know me before as a "girl", they still consider me one. Like my family members. And quite honestly, it hurts. It hurts to want and to need to be classified as a male, to be called my requested name [Matthew], to be looked upon as a young man..... but to still be called "she", "her" and my birth name [which I will not say. No, its not Kiana.] I've succesfully told a lot of people about myself being a transsexual and I'm completely comfortable with telling people. I don't care about what they think. This is kind of a tip to transsexuals who haven't come out. Don't let what other people think or say bother you. If you know what's going on with you and you're not afraid to speak it, then you shouldn't be afraid of what people's reactions are. I know, you're probably thinking, "What the fuck are you talking about, Matt? I'm scared as hell. Everybody's going to hate me! Its hard!"
Trust me. From experience, I know. Its really not as bad as it seems. I mean, come on. If your family is a true family, they'll love you no matter what. Yes, there are some cruel, cold-hearted parents who'll kick you out. But that's moreso if you're bisexual or gay. [That's another thing. I'm bisexual, by the way :) ]
I came out to my mom via email. That works, you know. Sure, she ignored me for a little while and was pissed off at me for months... but she said she had figured it out awhile before I even said it! She still claims to love me more than anything, still says I'm her "number one"... But when she gets into huge family arguments with me, she'll be like "I know you havent always felt like a guy" which is bullshit. But usually, she's generally understandable about it. However... she can't seem to be able to call me Matt -_-
Carrying on. Off of the transsexual deal. And the bisexuality thing, too.
Some more things about me are...... I'm bipolar. I get moody easily, and it lasts awhile. The only way to relieve anger, for me, is.... bad, but.. by stabbing things, or by throwing things or hitting things or breaking shit. Moreso the stabbing. Once.. I was so pissed off... That I cut my arm to say "HATE", I carved "I hate you" on my wall and one of my dressers, I put 7 holes in each of my blinds, I tore my comforter apart... I destroyed all the visible fruit in the kitchen, I dented the fridge, I cut a line into a wooden pantry cupboard, and... I tore a huge gash into the material shower curtain. :/
I haven't done anything that bad in awhile, but... you get my point. Don't. Piss. Me. Off..... Period.
However, I've bypassed my 3-year-severe-depression and I'm generally happy all the time now. :)
Though, these [approx.] 50 scars on my left arm/wrist still remind me of my sad days.... But it also reminds me of how strong I am. :D
What else... This is so damn long. I apologize. I'm a writer, so I write a lot whenever I start. I write stories and poems and if I'm reaalllly bored, scripts. Mainly stories. I have some on fanfiction.net and deviantart.com, but.. I have about 400 stories written [short stories or unfinished ones xD]
I love reading, I love... 3D animation. I actually use a free Japanese program called MikuMikuDance :)
90% of my stuff on dA is MMD stuff. Same with YouTube [ http://www.youtube.com/luminescentdanger/ and http://www.youtube./777kiana/] Go check it out :D
Hmmm... I love music. I NEED music everyday or I get upset. :P
I also play piano, acoustic guitar and violin. All entirely by ear. Covers via piano/guitar are on YouTube^
Hmmm.... I'm a Sagittarius, so I like to try new things 24/7 and.... I'm not bragging, infact... I'm kind of a little annoyed with the fact that I seem t obe "perfect" in literally everything. Now, that's all of my many friends saying that .They all claim I'm the most perfect boy in the world..... :/
But nobody's perfect. I still make mistakes. Everybody does!
So I guess that's all I can really say...... uh..... Oh. I'm a hardcore gamer :D
Some of the games I most often play are Amnesia: The Dark Descent, Condemned 2, StepMania, Portal 2, Fallout: New Vegas, L4D2, Call of Cthulhu and........... what was it- SKYRIM. :)
Now I guess I'm done. I RP, by the way. And do cosplay.
Wanna chat? Or just ask some more questions...? http://mattylovesyou69.chatango.com/ or http://luminescentdanger.chatango.com/ :D !!!
Farewell, people.
~Matt
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