Do you ever feel like taking a long walk off a short bridge? Most people tell somebody they don't like to do such a thing, but do you ever tell yourself that?
Right now, that's what I feel like doing. Walking horizontally on a vertical bridge until I fall off and hopefully drown to my death.
Oh, and I tend to give others advice and it often works for them, but I never take my own advice on anything, even if our situations are exactly the same.
This is more like a rant instead of a basic blog post. I just feel really ignored right now, and so, I want to take a long- very long- walk off of a very short bridge, whether it be over water or a busy road with oncoming trucks and speeding cars.
I feel alone, I feel single. It hasn't even been two full days and I feel 100% single, 100% alone, 100% like he never asked me out again. Maybe its because I've gotten so used to never speaking to anybody I was close to [except for two best friends but they're not on very often], that when Kris asked me out again, I felt like I'd have someone to talk to more, someone who'd be there.
That wasn't the case at all. First day, we were talking, and he called me and it was sweet. Last night he ignored me for four hours and I can only imagine what he was doing... He hasn't bothered to call, he hasn't said 'I love you'. In fact, he's acting just like he did when we were pretty much enemies for awhile. Distant, avoidant, slightly rude and adamant on many things. He always says I'm the adamant, stubborn one... but that's not the case this time. Its the other way around and I feel like I'm forever alone.
No, I'm not being dramatic, I'm not looking for attention and I'm not trying to copy a meme because I'm "sad". I just feel really alone on this right now because he's an hour away, would fuck just about anyone, has a too-high sex drive, and has people who he'd gladly fuck in seconds... and he's ignoring me completely.
In the past, when he ignored me, he was cuddling with and sucking off another man. Relationships are love, trust, respect and commitment and communication. But I can't really trust him to not be doing anything at this point because I know there was another person in the city he lives in who he really really liked.
Yes. I should trust him, I shouldn't be thinking the worst, and I should be fairly okay with him doing whatever he wants... but sadly enough, it annoys me, it irritates me, it angers me, it frustrates me and it worries me when he suddenly stops talking to me, ignores me for a couple hours, then comes back and acts like nothing happened but then starts acting odd again a few minutes later.
I try to think better- Like, perhaps he's doing homework. Or perhaps he's playing a game. Or perhaps he's taking a nap or chilling with people or gone for a walk. But before, back in July2011 - November, we talked fairly often and we didn't send each other one-word texts or an "Oh lol" when I say I'm in pain.
Am I really with the one I claimed to love forever?
This turned out to be more of a loneliness rant than a long-walk-off-a-short-bridge thing.
I'm sorry, I... Just needed to get it out.
~Matt
No comments:
Post a Comment